Wearing Your Own Mediator Hat – Part 1

Conflict is inevitable, and it is up to us to choose how we manage it. Our last article, Conflict Doesn’t Have to Hurt, revealed that if we manage conflict effectively, we can generate better decisions, higher productivity, less turnover – you get the picture.

So what does “effective conflict management” look like? As professional mediators, we deploy techniques to help our clients speak openly, hear one another, and reach resolution. I try to incorporate these techniques into my own conflicts (key word: try), which often results in more authentic dialogue and better outcomes. I call this, “Wearing my Mediator Hat in the Real World.”

We are excited to provide some fundamental mediator tools that you can test out the next time you find yourself in a difficult situation. In other words: Try on your own Mediator Hat.

Follow a Process
Mediators facilitate a process that helps clients move from feeling heated to brainstorming ideas and generating solutions. While the non-mediator may not be trained in this formal process, he or she can direct the conversation in a similar way:

1. First, encourage all involved to share their own perspectives
2. Create and clarify topics or specific issues around which the conflict is about
3. Brainstorm ideas to resolve the situation; perhaps start with the least complex to build momentum
4. Agree on sustainable action items and commitments from each person

Observe from the Outside
Mediators act neutral and unbiased, which is nearly impossible to do when we are absorbed in our own conflict. Therefore, I do not suggest being completely neutral like a mediator; rather, try to view the situation from the vantage point of an external party.

This can be challenging when a conflict is especially emotional. Yet taking a brief step away from the conflict gives us the mental space we need to see the full picture, including where the other person is coming from. It also allows us to think outside the box for solutions, take responsibility for our own contributions, and facilitate a productive conversation.

Promote Balanced Participation
As a third party, mediators make sure everyone participates equally. There are a few ways mediators achieve this:

• If someone is not sharing, mediators delicately intervene, so he or she feels more comfortable
• If someone dominates the conversation, mediators respectfully interject and provide observations
• During the brainstorming phase, mediators make sure all participants contribute ideas and solutions
• If there is a power imbalance (structurally or perceived), mediators are trained to create an environment for the less powerful to feel safe and open

While these techniques may be unique to third-party mediators, they can be modified for any conversation without a mediator. For instance, you can:

• Convey curiosity and ask open-ended questions
• Do not only focus on yourself and your own struggles
• Assess and express how you have contributed to the situation

These adapted mediator techniques demonstrate that you do not need to be an expert mediator to wear your Mediator Hat in the Real World. If you practice them during your next sticky situation, you will experience a better outcome. Leave us a comment when you notice a difference.

And if you want keep up the momentum, check out our second article in this series: Wearing Your Own Mediator Hat – Part 2